I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
