Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
