Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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