my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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