clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
