What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
