it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
