that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
