Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
