what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
In America we eat man semen.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
