Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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