apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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