so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
