Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
