I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
