I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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