Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
