there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
