New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
