Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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