i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
