he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
