i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
