I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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