I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
