He disabled his match.com account in front of me
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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