and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
