idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
