There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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