I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
