When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
