Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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