Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
