i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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