I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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