The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
