The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Randomize
