Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
