guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
4 words: hood of his car
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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