I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
