FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
