You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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