So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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