It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
