That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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