OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
