Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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