you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It's never too late to be topless.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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