I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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