can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
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