Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
